Niceness protects the giver’s comfort; kindness prioritises the receiver’s growth and well-being. Kim Scott, author of Radical Condor, says that showing your team you care personally about them, yet failing to challenge them directly – when it’s called for – is nothing more than ruinous empathy.
“Ruinous empathy?!” you say, “but I’m a charity leader; I care about, and go the extra mile to protect, my staff. This can only be a good thing, surely?!”
I used to think the same when I led teams. I thought my job was to care for and protect them. But guess what? They didn’t need someone to parent to them. They needed a leader to trust, challenge and be fully honest with them – event when the truth is uncomfortable; this is kind leadership.
I now know that avoiding giving feedback to underperforming colleagues, or sugarcoating it, was more about my need to be liked and avoid conflict than it was about protecting them. When I deny somebody the gift of feedback I get in the way of their growth. doesn’t sound so nice anymore, eh?
How much of this sounds familiar to you? What might you be avoiding? What hidden personal discomfort is driving your unhelpful habits?
Being a truly ‘kind leader’ means trusting that your team can handle feedback and challenge, and be trusted to grow through adversity.
Challenging directly – without showing we care about our colleagues personally (the other end of the spectrum) – is what Scott calls obnoxious aggression. I don’t need to outline the drawbacks of this leadership style but the problem is many of us hold onto a false belief that it’s a binary choice: show you care or be tough/unkind.
Much of the work I do with charity leaders is helping them realise they can do the challenging bits and still show care for their people. This is a beautiful and effective place in the middle.
So next time you avoid giving feedback or delegating something or let a colleague off with doing less than they could be capable of, ask yourself “am I prioritising their growth and well-being, or am I protecting myself from discomfort?”
—–
I’m Matt, a Transformative Coach for leaders in the charity sector who want to create impact without paying a personal cost.
Never tried coaching? Get in touch today to find out how you could become a more effective, balanced and self-aware leader. Book your FREE coaching taster session today.
Resources:
Watch Kim Scott’s seminal Ted Talk about Radical Candor